About Love IV. Love is everywhere. Just look around. So many people you see everyday. All of them with their own stories, their needs, desires and disappointments. Next in row talking about her experiences is Rosie.
"With most people around me I feel totally
disconnected"
Rosie (36 years) is tired of her pattern of passivity. But what to
do? Why does she always
run to the same walls when she starts a new
relationship? And always those
relationships refer to herself: "I do not
love myself. I can not deal
with my imperfections."
By
Dominique Verschuren
Rosie: "I can't tolerate anyone around
me too long. Since a couple of months
there is something in me that
makes that I totally don't feel connected with the most people around
me. It is precisely this connection I have been facing. But in my mind I yearn for it continuously.
Love
gives the most complete sense of existence. If
you go to Paris and you can choose between
a very good friend or your lover than I
think anyone will choose that
lover. It's a more complete experience: the physical linked to the mental to the emotional,
all these areas come together in the bond of love. It's unique. In my ideal movie
I feel completely connected, completely at
my place. Because I never experience that in
reality, I think it's never
enough."
House of love
"The muddle
of my life has to do with being
afraid of closing doors. If I start a
new relationship I step into a house, but I always
leave the windows and doors
open. There always have to be an exit. More
and more I
realize it's a certain pattern,
through which I don't engage completely.
At the moment I step
outside the relationship and leave it behind me, I don't close that door behind me. All
relationships I've had are very much
symbolized by open
doors and windows. So you always sitting in the draught and you have constantly
a stiff neck or a
cold.
That cold is expressed in constant doubt. Is this what I really want? Isn't there something more appropriate, better, more grand and more
immersive? It's almost never
enough. That has
to do with some ideal image.
That movie is in
my head and I can see it. And not everything in that movie fit into my life. Even if I can
recognize that something is beautiful.
If I choose someone I always panic for something I leave. I'm going to Paris, but
how would it be in Moscow or in Iceland? But
luckily I can go next
year. This is not possible if you
really want to go for a relationship.
Now I realize that it is not enough
because all my doors and windows are
open."
Tiresome love-sickness
"All my crushes are linked to a situation of non-commitment. From the moment that the non-commitment
threatens to fall, then also the love-sickness disappears.
For a
long time I was in love with P.
In my experience he was the man I
wanted, no doubt about it. I suffered from it. Actually
my bond to
him was in his rejection
of me. You feel so vulnerable, that other person has so much
power over you because you are so vulnerable. That
is terrifying. The worst thing is
being rejected by someone you're terribly in love
with. That hit you in your
deepest core. You
only fall in love if that person has touched you. Being rejected makes you so insecure. Like a
cut inside you. I understand very well that people who experience that once or twice, say: please let
me never fall in love again. They rather prefer a safe relationship they can control. This begins to outweigh the sadness, the helplessness,
the vulnerability of a love that is not answered.
You've
got the love-sickness that you are very happy to see
that person, or very nervous beforehand. The
love-sickness which you speak together when the other is not around. Constant dialogue in your head. Pleasant
kind of love that brings color in your life. There's also love that comes
across like a disease. Twice I experienced it. Like
they have injected drugs in your arms, you have absolutely no control over it. 24 hours a day it has you in her power. You get obsessed. It
gives you wings, but it is so difficult because you can't
turn it on or off. I can't function then anymore. The first time I experienced it, it cost me almost a year. I
couldn't concentrate, I couldn't read, I could no longer write
a paper. I could think
of nothing else. A complete helpless
feeling. You feel ridiculous. You
do things you felt embarrassed afterwards."
You can't change the other
"I do
not love myself. Currently
not. Earlier neither. I can't deal with my
imperfections. I've never been proud of myself.
Sometimes I feel like I can give more to people
if I'm not in a relationship. In all those relationships I experienced a feeling
of failure. Maybe I blocked
on expectations. With lovers and friends
can I be more myself. In a relationship I
give too much of myself away.
Binding is for me the same as losing yourself in the bad sense of the word. Always a constriction or something
that you can't hold intact.
That's that fear
of commitment. I can't think,
just try it three months and then we'll see. From the moment I'm in a relationship, I
do not know where I end and
the other begins. Everything blurs. Being
alone is much more clear. You
just have to take yourself into account.
Loneliness is a clear emotion and only
you possess it. I have less difficulty with that than being in a relationship with someone you
feel he reproaches you.
Very
important is to
be yourself and
dare to remain, from the
beginning. If you always go to bed at ten o'clock and the other person continues
until one a.m. then
you should not be tempted also
to sleep later. That always avenges. Because
you do not show who you really
are, because you are deceiving yourself at
that moment. Sooner or later there
comes a time when you still
want to go to bed at ten o'clock and the
other begins to reproach you because in the beginning you did participate and now not anymore. From the
beginning you have to dare to be
yourself fully. From the beginning
to stand up for the things you stand for. That is the only way to really get
together or not. Many people make the mistake to start
blaming after ten years that the
other does not take them into account. Actually
they have to blame themselves. You must know which battles you want to fight for: what is important
to me and what is less important?
On what can I
do a concession?
I find
that very difficult. You can't change the another person and you don't want the
other person to change you. But
how do you deal with differences?
Because they are always there. How do you deal with it so you remain true to
yourself and the other also
can be himself, but at the same time you can discuss certain things? For me that's a
difficult balance. I have so far not found a way to
deal with it. When you do something out of love, when do you deny
yourself?"
Maybe I should decide not to step into a relationship for
the next three years. And perhaps
dedicate the time to something else,
writing a book. Looking
back since my last eighteen
years relationships cost me much time and energy consuming it. Actually, it cost more than
it brought me."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JS8m44KjGGU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JS8m44KjGGU
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