About Love II. Love is everywhere. Just look around. So many people you see everyday. All of them with their own stories, their needs, desires and disappointments. Second in row talking about his experiences is Frank.

 

How can you possibly be disappointed in love?

 

 

"I haven't had much luck in love." Frank (27) doesn't know the great love. His experiences are everything but rosy. It happens to him, like that profiteer who cost him a fortune. Or he made his decision: "I thought: nevermind the intimacy and I made an appointment with him. A couple of days after I turned 18. He picked me up from school and we had sex. Then I knew what it was."

 

By Dominique Verschuren

 

Frank: "Some people say: 'I'm disappointed in love.' How can you possibly be disappointed in love?! Love is something that is. You can be disappointed in people, but not in love. Someone can cherish love for you, but maybe you're not open for it, because you don't see it or you're not ready. Love is an abstract idea, but in my world love is something very pure and completely disinterested. If someone says 'I'm disappointed in love' then I guess he uses a wrong expression. You're disappointed in a person or in a situation, but not in love."

 

Mother

 

"I don't think that many people want to die. People like to live. Considering how far we go to help people to survive, it becomes clear how much value we attach to life. People who doesn't like to life are fools in my opinion. They don't see the value of life. That value is to love, to discover the world. Knowing you will never find the truth. Living life is worthwhile. Our culture is permeated by a fear of death. It would be much worse when you're old and you come to the conclusion that your life have deteriorated to such trifles. I'm afraid of that. If your parents die you hope that you know your parents through and through, that everything is spoken out. I think a lot of things between me and my parents have not been spoken out. Often the people with whom you have a difficult relationship know most of you. They are similar or struggling with the same problems.

In terms of character I look like my mother: nervous, stubborn and with a fighting spirit. My mother is concerned and affective. My mother also felt guilty because she was ill. Cancer. I was ten years old. She became very much aware that her children had to be quick independently or that they had to realize that they soon would be motherless. She often felt that she was absent in our education. I've never experienced. She was always there."

 

A desire, but no regrets

 

"I was bullied a lot at school. Children always look at appearance. Once I wanted to give a birthday party but no one showed up. I was so pissed. At the secondary I hated everybody. I was very cynical and bitter. I began to resist anyone. If everyone had view a I choose automatically opinion b. Even if I was not agree with view b. Such a teenager I was. Maybe I hated myself. I was definitely not relax. I had a relationship with L., the only girl with whom I ever had a relationship. I thought I was in love, but it was not love. It was more the desire to know what it was like to have a girlfriend.

When I was with L. I always had to watch a boy, S. He kept me very busy. At some point you realize that this is not the way that straight guys interested in other guys. S. lived in another part of town. I cycled from a distance and take a detour, so I could watch him a little longer. On the internet I watched porn at that time. Initially straight porn. But I caught myself that I had a lot more attention to the man in the piece and so I went silently to gay porn. At a certain point I could not hold it and I wanted to tell S. that I loved him. Then I gave him a love letter. I've waited a while, but no response. I called him. I asked: 'Did you get my letter?' 'Yeah, but I'm not interested.' Then I went for a walk in the backyard, I scaled the summerhouse and cried. That was that. The blues, the heartbreak of a child.

You have puppy love, which gets over and a few years later you don't remember the person you were in love with. But there are also people like S. You remember them, because you have been in love with them pretty long. Longing for the naivety and innocence you had then and you have lost. It is a desire, but they are no regrets. Everyone has to lose naivety, it is the way things go. So I don't feel regret looking back to that naive period. It doesn't hurt anymore. You look back on it more mildly. But a desire remained. "

 

Suspicious in a healthy way

 

"Four years ago a profiteer walked into my life. It lasted for three months, but it had enormous consequences. I didn't see him as a criminal first. He was affectionate, he showed a lot of attention to me. Typical behaviour of those profiteers. They show a lot of attention, that is an investment for them to take advantage of you later. He saw easily how empathic I was. Then he started his pathetic act and started asking for money. And I just gave it to him.

But I was cramped. Would I help him? I was so stubborn, because my parents had already asked: "Does he take advantage?" I refused to believe that he was a profiteer, I wanted to do everything to succeed. I was frustrated because my cousins all had relationships that lasted longer. Every Christmas I was asked: "When are you coming with a friend?" I was sick of hearing that. I also saw that some things didn't fit in that story, but I banned them. I wanted my parents to be wrong, while they clearly felt that it was not right. I necessarily wanted to succeed. If I had to give money for this, then I did it.

When I confessed how much money I had given to that man, then my parents confronted me. 'Someone who loves you, don't ask for money,' they said. I felt very guilty. Because that was the money my parents had put aside for me for years. The money that I just wasted on someone. It was more than a half year salary.

Things like this leave of course something behind. It makes you suspicious in a healthy way. You wait a bit longer. Will his actions match with his words? Then you can better assess whether a person is trustworthy or not. Even in the first weeks and months when you are in love you can be healthy suspicious."

 

Incredible alienated

 

"I haven't had much luck in love. In the sense that there is a lot of love experiences that others have known and where I can't talk about. For instance a childhood sweetheart, exploring together the first innocent adolescent sexual experiences. For me it went pretty rough. At one point I wanted to know. I thought: nevermind intimacy, I wanted to know how it was to have sex and I just met someone. A. couple of days after I turned 18. He picked me up at school and then we had sex and then I knew what it was. At that moment it was quite nice. But once you're satisfied and you go away, an incredibly alienation from yourself and from the other person overwhelms you.

"The great love I do not have known in my life. I want to believe in it. I think love never came across because long time I was not ready for it. Because I was not finished with myself. Now I'm best friends with myself and I am ready for it, but other practical problems rise. Often they deal with trust. Performance anxiety.

The great love is someone with whom you feel really connected. Even when that person disappears out of your life the feeling of connection remains. I think a great love has to do a lot with the ability to be intimate. The person with whom you can be more intimate than with the rest of the people running around, that is great love to my. That intimacy is also mentally. That's all you normally do not reveal to anyone. If you can reveal that to that one person, then it's a great sign of intimacy to me."